Taylor Townsend’s Journey Through Dystonia

What was the nature of the injury?

Task Specific Focal Dystonia

What were the circumstances?

Typical post-grad situation –  hours and hours of practice each day.  Constantly stressing over auditions and always on the hunt for new gigs.  The highly competitive nature of music school only fueled a fire that led to being overly critical of myself and becoming obsessed, in an unhealthy way, regarding the amount of time spent practicing.

Was it gradual or sudden?

It was gradual.  A “strange” feeling crept into my lower range of playing.  The relaxed ease of playing in the lower register simply stopped and my lips wouldn’t respond as I was used to.  Over the course of about four months I went from playing five to six hours per day and taking auditions and gigs, to not being able to play a whole note without it wobbling uncontrollably or not speaking at all.

Did you see any doctors or specialists? 

I first reached out to former/current teachers. Reactions were mixed. Some advised that I see a doctor or neurologist and others told me I should probably quit playing all together. 

Most of my recovery was self-guided; a large chunk of time was spent reading about the neurological side of playing and performing, and also working with my teacher here in Spain. He had no previous knowledge of this problem, but was open-minded, supportive, and helped me greatly to bring back my mental strength and confidence.  During the recovery process (nearly three years) the most helpful information, physically, came from other brass players –  more specifically, horn players – who went through similar situations. Many of them advised me not to see a more formal doctor or neurologist.

I did speak at length with a colleague of mine from the States who is a psychologist for athletes. We discussed various exercises like neurofeedback and simple relaxation and/or distraction exercises to get my brain to, in a sense, rewire so that I could approach my playing from a different standpoint and not fall into old habits.

Did you seek any alternative treatments?

No.  Most of my recovery is/was due to learning how to change my perspective on playing and music.  I would say sixty to seventy percent was simply learning how to relax and bring my focus to other aspects of life outside the horn.

Did you have to stop working? If so, for how long?

I never had a full time playing job, but from a freelancing point of view, I had to quit everything.  I put the horn for away four months.  I stopped listening to classical music, didn’t go to any concerts, stopped looking at audition pages, etc.  I tried to do a mini-detox from what my life had been for the previous seven years. My first “real” gig came about a year and a half after beginning the relearning process with my teacher.  I felt comfortable enough to take the gig, but even at that time I had many issues with my playing that I was “faking” my way through.

What were the greatest frustrations?

I had many, many, many absolutely frustrating moments not being able to perform at my former level for quite a long time. I had to learn a whole new level of patience in practicing and understand what it meant to think long-term with my recovery and playing goals.

Technically, I’m still not able to play certain things in the repertoire that I could before the dystonia. So, I’m still building, but I will say that from a consistency and confidence standpoint I’m actually in a much better place than before, even if some of the notes still don’t work as comfortably as I’d like them to yet. I’d say that is thanks to a more refined system of practice that I’ve learned to use and evolve as my recovery process moved along. 

What seemed to help the most?

Relaxation and breathing.  I know, it sounds simple and ridiculous, but those were the two big things missing – or better said, a bit misinterpreted– from my playing before.

Did you change/tweak your approach or technique?

I definitely changed my approach regarding my use of air and how it related to my embouchure.  In my brain, before the dystonia, my ratio of air/embouchure was probably something like 30/70, and now I’m always trying to think about 80/20 or even 90/10. I was putting so much of a “strength” focus on my chops previously that I was just over-stressing them daily and that compounded into a much bigger problem over years of playing that way.

Did you change equipment? 

Yes… for better or for worse. For a time during my embouchure collapse, I was convinced it was something with my mouthpiece, or even my horn. I changed horns, sold all my mouthpieces and bought different ones – total disaster. Big mistake. I shouldn’t have done it, but at that moment I was definitely in denial and wouldn’t accept that the problem was me, not the equipment.

Once I began my recovery process, however, I did need to make some changes with mouthpieces as I began to play more and feel comfortable again. My embouchure setup is different now and I had to change equipment mainly due to the need to find more comfort of the rim on the face. 

Did you make any lifestyle changes? 

Mainly it was my “mini-detox” from the music world that helped a lot. I was obsessed with horn and finding work – in an unhealthy way. Before, I always got worried about taking a day off or taking an evening off. Now, taking that small break or day off can be the best thing I do to recharge and come back refreshed physically and mentally.

How did you structure your practice in rebuilding?

I must be completely honest and say that I hate myself now for not doing a more detailed video history of my progress. At the beginning, I felt so horrible and frustrated that I didn’t want anyone to hear me play. Hindsight is 20/20. It was basically taking it day-by-day, note-by-note.  At the very beginning, it was difficult to try to give myself goals, because for the first two or three months, an example of a successful day was playing a half note with semi-decent tone quality without my embouchure giving out. It was a rough beginning.

Taking breaks was really important and I must admit I was not religious enough about that once things started feeling better.  I’d get a bit excited and play too long, then not be able to play anymore, and the next day would be like taking a few steps backward again because I’d overdone it the day before.

I definitely made mistakes during my recovery, but I absolutely see everything in a different light now and feel much more confident as a teacher due to this experience, however frustrating it was at first.

I have found that regaining trust in the body is no small task. It is difficult not to hesitate, or “pull my punches” as my Alexander Technique teacher would say. Have you experienced this? And, if so, how did you regain trust in yourself? Is it just a matter of time? 

Below is an equation that has constantly fluctuated for me over the past few years: 

Situation + Time = Comfort

I put situation first because I’ve found that ninety-nine percent of the time in the past few years, the comfort of the situation has dictated my physical state. If I feel comfortable, I don’t need to think about my embouchure. The chops know what to do if I’m happy and having fun playing. It’s when doubt or nerves creep in when things get shady with the embouchure. That’s when I begin to over think and over-analyze my embouchure, my set up, etc.

On a side note, our fellow brass players can either be our best recovery aid or our worst.  For all you brass players, I know we can be overly competitive sometimes, but try to take into consideration that you may not have the slightest idea what the person sitting next to you has been through BEFORE giving them that “damning” look for missing a few notes.

Did you come to feel more or less like “yourself” again eventually?

I don’t think I can even say now that I feel like “myself.” Physically I still have some things to work on to be at the technical level of playing from before.  But I think it might be a mistake to say that I’m trying to be “myself” again. I’m not sure I want to return to my previous state of playing.  That mistake was made various times in the past few years comparing myself to old recordings. Physically, yes, there are things I wish I could do better right now, but mentally it would be dangerous to return to where I was before.  Falling into the same routine would be a recipe for disaster, collapsing physically, and possibly sparking the dystonia once more. So, let’s say, feeling like “myself” as a musician might be better than feeling like “myself” as a horn player.

Were there any resources that you found particularly helpful during your recovery and rehab?

There were two books in particular: Blow Your Own Horn! by Fergus McWilliam and The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks. Oliver Sacks has a book specifically about musicians Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain, but many had suggested I read this book first.  Also, relearning to play brought my attention to some of the most important literature we have on the horn: Gallay, Duvernoy, Punto, etc. Brushing up on some of that literature and speaking with some experts on the subject really opened my eyes to how much we overanalyze our embouchure.  To quote Casablanca (thank you Anneke Scott!), “just put your lips together and blow”.  

Any general advice to those going through an injury or recovery/rebuilding?

Speak with others that have gone through similar situations. I found it very difficult to speak with other horn players who had never experienced something similar.